John Dillermand is an enormously popular Danish children’s television show that debuted on the nation’s DR channel (effectively Denmark’s PBS) on January 3, 2021. The show is aimed at four to eight-year-old children and is stop-motion animation. The main character, John Dillermand, is a man in a red and white striped 1920s style bathing suit. John is unique in that he has a very, very, very long penis that can perform many feats, from taming lions, to saving children, to acting as a pogo stick and more. Diller is Dutch slang for ‘penis,’ so the show’s title is translated to John Penisman.
The show has gone viral for obvious reasons, but it’s also surprisingly super-popular with the kids the show was made for. Variety reported that more than 250,000 children watched the first episode of John Dillermand in the first five days of release. During the European Carnival in 2021, John Dillermand was a popular costume.
No, we can’t believe we’re not joking or that this isn’t a parody or some hilarious satire of some sort. This show is 100% completely for real and a great example of the bonkers world of Dutch Children’s Television.
John Dillermand Has No Control Over His Penis
The jokes, they write themselves with this one. John Dillermand’s giant stripey penis has a mind of its own. He can do nearly anything with his penis including using it as a leash to walk dogs, as a tightrope, and decorating a Christmas tree with it. He also turns his penis into a helicopter to save a group of drowning children and uses his long penis to break into a woman’s refrigerator.
There are 13 episodes of John Dillermand with storylines that follow the situations he gets himself into that are usually caused by his comically long penis. In the opening montage of the series, John Dillermand uses his penis to tame a lion and keep it away from a group of kids.
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While Dillermand’s penis gets him into embarrassing predicaments, once Dillermand embraces and accepts the ways in which he’s different he learns to control it and use it for good. Dillermand’s penis is a metaphor for any childhood trait or emotion or ways in which a kid may be a bit different from his peers.
Parents Are Freaking Out
Because many people have no sense of humor, people are freaking out over the content in John Dillermand. Denmark’s public broadcasting network made John Dillermand with the help of a non-profit reproductive health organization and a child psychologist. The makers of the show insist that, despite the ever-present, massively long candy-striped penis, John Dillermand is as desexualized as possible.
Parents have been filing formal complaints with the network over the premise of John Dillerman. One person wrote on DR Ramasjang’s Facebook page, “Someone has to draw the line with the new John D series. I have no idea what you all were thinking in a time of me too. And with all the frightening cases of pedophilia that exist! Should kids learn that it’s fun playing with a dick? That it’s just a funny thing that can fly around attached to balloons and other weird things… I think it’s grotesque.”
DR maintains that John Dillermand is wholesome and about the embarrassment and fun of the body. The network released a statement responding to the criticism by saying it could have just as easily made a show “about a woman with no control over her vagina.” The important thing is that the children the show was made for enjoy it, not what prudish people think of it.
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In an interview with CNN a spokesperson for DR said that most of the people criticizing John Dillermand and calling for its cancelation are doing so “without even [having] seen the show, because it wasn’t released yet.”
The Theme Song Is Absolutely Bonkers
The theme song of John Dillermand has been translated to English, and it is absolutely amazing:
Hello I am John Johnson
He has the world’s longest johnson
There’s almost nothing he can’t do with it
He can swing it around
He can get a bit embarrassed
He can save the whole world if only he had the chance.
More Insane Dutch Children’s Programming
Denmark is where it’s at if you want actually fun children’s programmingall while feeling like you’re tripping. There’s Onkel Reyes Heavybandabout a pipe-smoking pirate who fights ninjas and joins a Satanic cult in order to make his band more ‘metal.’ In another bizarre Danish children’s show, Ultra Strips Down allows 11-to-13-year-olds to ask questions to and about adults who are taking their clothes off in front of them, in order to promote body positivity.
DR also has a fake news program on their channel for kids called Gepetto News, featuring a cast of puppets who look like Muppets on acid. At night, instead of playing re-runs or going dark, DR it plays a continuous loop of puppets farting. And, if you truly want to view the stuff of nightmares, take a look at Mr. Calzone, a ghoulish, singing pizza. And don’t say we didn’t warn you. You cannot unsee Mr. Calzone.
As the Atlantic reported in an interview with Danish anthropologist Christian Groes, watching Danish children’s television is a lot like going on an LSD trip. CNN reported that Denmark has been rated as the second-happiest country in the world, and we think we’re beginning to understand why.